It took well over a hundred thousand words (ruthlessly edited down from a ridiculous and unbridled total pushing half a million) to describe the unique journey I’ve been privileged to not only survive thus far but to thrive inside of as well. Things left unsaid were quite intentional. Not all […]
Volume 2 – The Journeyman
42 posts
When it was all said and done, a single data point allowed me to gracefully move on. One last neglectful moment allowed me to grasp the true nature of my former love. There would be no heartfelt conversation leading to reconciliation. There would be no acknowledgement of the harsh truths […]
When O told me in March that Match.com Boyfriend exited the scene in January, I considered an alternate ending with their mom almost immediately. I’d been feverishly working on an extended rewrite of Tapestry, the novel I wrote to a “we” who would never be, so my nostalgia quotient was […]
Bringing this emotion-laden tome to a close should be much easier than the sum of the tears and time it took to reach this place. The meaning of Life, The Universe and Everything is quite clear to me now. The soul put into my care six years ago deserves every […]
Tomorrow is much easier to understand than yesterday. The parenting consultant finally agreed with me that O should stay at the school where he just completed kindergarten, starting first grade in the fall via distance learning from the daycare he’s been at since he was two-and-a-half. He’ll get the consistency […]
Confronting the illogical nature of my current situation inevitably leads me back to the beginning of this journey. It seems like a lifetime now, but it’s been less than a year since everything I counted on was ripped apart by an ex-wife intent on removing me from the center of […]
Gaslighting is a nefarious strategy that is impossible to counter without mountains of contextual evidence that makes most people’s eyes roll back in their heads. No one cares more about the truth than the person being subjected to its constant destruction, but the problem remains the total data overload needed […]
We The People watched in horror while George Floyd was murdered before our eyes from multiple camera angles and with obvious malice. 8 minutes and 46 seconds that will forever change how we see 2020. The arrogant expression of the man responsible for his death, wearing the uniform of one […]
Another battle lost and the war continues unabated. Each and every issue I’ve mentioned, except one, has been dismissed by our court-appointed Parenting Consultant. Dude keeps smacking me down and insisting I give my ex-wife every benefit of the doubt for her “worries” with no corresponding admonition for her to […]
Last night during our FaceTime chat, my son showed me his new board game. He explained all the rules and how much he looked forward to playing after our call. He finished by saying it was a “Dis-Nay-Nay” game, Match.com Boyfriend cackling in the background like it was the funniest […]
Yesterday and today were filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. After searching for over a month to find a Nintendo Switch for my son’s birthday and mine, it arrived on his Daddy Thursday. The boy was super excited when I sent him upstairs after a […]
Today my ex-wife and I joined our court-ordered Parenting Consultant for a joint intake session via Zoom video conference. I posted up at my desk, dressed for the occasion in my favorite “business casual” attire. Well lit and ready to go to work. O’s mom was backlit, dressed for a […]
COVID-19 looked to be an ironic lifesaver in my world. Following months of chaos and recrimination and outright parental warfare, a global pandemic forced my ex-wife to respond to me in a way that was almost human again. Not as warm as it was before the current impasse came into […]
A year ago today, I decided I wanted to be a better dad. A better man. I saw things about myself I didn’t like and took great pains to change them. Still a work in progress to be sure, but my relationship with my son has never been tighter. I […]
Daddy shows up to say hi to Son before his Saturday morning theater class starts and to say goodbye afterwards, planning to sit and read a book in between. He greets both Mommy and Match.com Boyfriend with a smile, but Daddy is immediately kept away from his boy by Mommy […]
I am beyond hurt that after four years of being amicably apart, the last two years spent amicably divorced, my ex-wife decided to drag me back into mediation rather than simply talking to me like she’s always done. There are several reasons for her desired parenting schedule that I might […]
Finding emotional renewal feels like an exercise focused purely on negative feelings. A never ending series of mea culpas. Suffering through pain and tears alone. A tendency to take too much responsibility. Not really absolving others of their various trespasses as much as honestly (sometimes brutally) owning the part I […]
There’s been a constant throughline in my life. My sister graces my earliest memories and remains central to my latest advances. I was surprised to discover over the holidays that Amy’s recollections of our childhood were anchored by the vivid emotional details of two traumatic events separated by a decade […]
I have never been more optimistic about every measure of happiness that matters. Except one, of course. My perennial, post-pubescent favorite. That said, I feel hopeful about my romantic prospects in the new year as well. I learned many important facts over the last several months that clarified what love […]
Angry skies and pounding seas fade into yesterday. The sun rises in a bold blast of gold and crimson over recently calmed waters. The horizon is peaceful. My authentic self dawns. Right on time. I remain a work in progress, of course. We all do, from cradle to grave if […]
When I was on my first ship, we’d volunteer to do all kinds of stuff in the local area, from cleaning up parks to manning events at a local elementary school. I found the same sort of mission-oriented outlook when I became a member of James Ballentine VFW Post 246. […]
Disconnecting my ego from my mouth by way of more deliberate thoughts and actions has been a huge boon across the board. From my son to my job to my other close relationships, stemming the flow of my running commentary has led to a blessed silence for all of us. […]
When I joined the US Navy in 1991, my life was coming apart at several well-worn seams. They all came back to one central lack. I never really had a dad. I had a dude who contributed “half” my DNA, but he never provided a single piece of actionable intelligence. […]
I have been lucky to make a lot of friends over the years. Some close. Most not. The close ones have stayed close no matter the time or distance apart. Many are veterans I served with or met since I joined VFW Post 246. Quite a few I’ve never even […]
The first woman I “tortured” in lieu of my mother was my sister Amy. It started when we were both too young to understand why I did it and continued far past the time I should have known better. She is one of my closest friends now, but as teens […]
When you spend your life lying to yourself and everyone around you, the hidden truths become an invisible barrier to forming healthy relationships. I didn’t know I was “lying” at the time, but that remains a distinction without a difference in most cases. The damage my blindness caused was always […]
This post may seem odd to the handful of people in my life who have been saintly enough to listen to me process my pain while devising plans for my recovery and rebirth. I’ve been anything but silent as far as they are concerned, though I do hope they appreciate […]
After finding my mom at the center of the extreme emotional explosions my son’s mom faced as my wife, it came as little shock to see my dad smack in the middle of my persistent problems with authority and self-confidience. Clearly I suffered from many of the same underlying issues […]
Now that we’ve reached the end of this rough stretch of road, exploring a dark wilderness of broken dreams, hidden secrets and missed opportunities, I’m excited to find peace and equilibrium on the superhighway stretching ahead in the distance. Homeostasis achieved. It was touch and go, but a hero rose […]
For friends who are new to this party, my Facebook page must seem like the end of a Scooby Doo episode where the mask is ripped off the monster to reveal a mild-mannered writer was the real culprit all along. “I would have gotten away with it too if it […]
This sad equation came into being after my son was born but before we left Portland for Minneapolis and a speedy separation followed by a slow divorce. It was the only way I could process the end of my marriage, a tragic certainty I was powerless to stop at the […]
The most frequent response to my recent revelations is one of confusion and a fair amount of shock. Happy-Go-Lucky-Daddy Jason bears zero resemblance to Barely-Controlled-Rage-Monster Jason I’m introducing everyone to. It seems an incongruent melding of Truth and Twilight Zone. Hard to tell which is which sometimes. While I haven’t […]
Mention the acronym “PTSD” and most people picture a suicidal combat vet balancing on the thin, dangerous edge of violence and ruin. Maybe he’s already hurt himself or others. It is a crisis situation. Obvious and immediate. While this extreme and emergent scenario is a real possibility, it is just […]
I don’t want to leave the impression that my ex fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath sporting slick lines and an irresistible smile or that I fell in love with a simple, codependent sap who couldn’t function without me by her side. Nothing could be further from the truth. […]
My spiritual awakening rolled-out in three phases. First my son. Then myself. Then O’s mom. Once I accepted the reality of our marriage, it wasn’t long before I found my mom at the center of our emotional turmoil. Unresolved anger and resentment were deep-rooted, starting when I was six months […]
When I was stationed at the Navy’s Combat Camera Group Pacific in San Diego circa 1998, a civilian video editing instructor told me I acted like a guy who wore blue suede shoes. When I asked her what she meant, she replied, “You always have the answer. Ten steps ahead […]
Here’s the thing about that cliche. It’s only useful if you are aware of the devil being discussed. If it’s the normal variety of personal demon, chances are his “evil” machinations are taking place totally under the radar. It’s the secrets hidden from our view that cause the most problems […]
One of the things that gives me great comfort is music. I sing karaoke. I sing in the shower. Sing in the car with my son. Tap my toes or fingers along to the beat in my headphones at work. Music was the first friend I turned to when things […]
Despite the confusion and shadows in one area of my new life, the father I am becoming has never been more clearly defined. I ignored many of the important details when I was a stay-at-home dad through O’s first 15 months of life. Too much adult fallout was extant at […]
That’s the real question isn’t it? I didn’t know this would be my destination when I started down this road, so I am totally at a loss as to what I should do next. Can’t even make an educated guess let alone devise intricate plans with back-ups to my back-ups […]
From the outside looking in, a spiritual transformation of one’s base personality (ego destruction if you will) may seem like an abrupt seismic shift. Almost hubristic in nature, ironically. I’m still not immune to the “sin” of wanting to be as good as I can be at everything I do, […]
This list will remain organic and growing.Old rules edited for clarity. New rules added for substance. Let it all go. Immediately. You’ll never get closure. You’ll never get relief. Except for that which you create all on your own. Let it go, but still hold fast to yourself. Audiences feel […]