Observing the last year through these new eyes has been an amazing experience. Transcendent really. None of this was even on my radar three years ago. I knew exactly who I was at 52 and what might come next given my divorced cis straight white dad identity. Until my kid decided they were nonbinary at age eight, one Friday in June after daycare, and sent me stumbling down this awkward path toward enlightenment. Toward evolution. Finally.
Jessica brings all the “game” I could never embrace as just a boy. Barely able to function under the gaze of the fairer, smarter sex. Always a tragic mess to be dealt with rather than cherished to the ends of forgiveness. I never earned those vibes. Not really. My masculine energy was way too toxic to understand the fear and futility that drove it. Too many words driven by a savage intellect bent on self-preservation at any cost, even myself. Nothing was too precious much to our eternal shame.
Everything changed one fateful winter day. February 23, 2019. My first awareness of the absolute disaster my life had become after 49 years of living deaf, blind and dumb. Probably not the most politically-correct sentence I’ve ever written, but it properly sets the stage for what’s to come next. You can’t truly be woke until you’ve been awakened. Mine was painful. Abrupt. No daddy wants to discover they’re the one who’s broken. The one who fucked up. Who needs to fix shit yesterday.
The Universe delivered as soon as I was ready to accept responsibility. Not exactly as I would have hoped but most likely the way I would need. Stubborn is fully baked in, so it would take a sledgehammer to break through my illusions. Every warm embrace I ever chased would slap me in the face over and over until I got the message however delayed. My version of events isn’t all to be said about objective reality versus abject sublimation. I surrendered without objection.
It wasn’t long before the true scope of my self-deception became obvious to even a casual observation of the available facts. I’m not going to spend a whole lot of words digging into that treasure-trove of shame and regret. Plenty said in person and way beyond the reach of these pages. Whatever remains, however tragic, would be repetitive. We’re more interested in figuring out what was learned along the way and what comes next. Clearly everything happened for a reason, a divine order we still respect.
Exactly what is our mission? We’ve long suspected that one sunny day we’ll simply wake up to the explanation of all we’ve been through. A reason for being. Our raison d’être. Light will shine through without doubt to refract meaning. The simplest of truths. The Golden Rule. Sight without seeing. Ascension without proof. Is that the message we’ve been sent? Thou art God. The saviors we’ve all been seeking, there for the taking. We’re everything for which we’ve been waiting?
