Today is appropriately named. Capitalism is killing humanity. We’ll look back on this Plague of Plastic as the primary threat that pivots us toward enlightenment as a species even as the climate crisis created by our avarice brings existential challenges none of us can predict. We can only respond, mitigate. […]
Jason Everett Miller
53 posts
Angry skies and pounding seas fade into yesterday. The sun rises in a bold blast of gold and crimson over recently calmed waters. The horizon is peaceful. My authentic self dawns. Right on time. I remain a work in progress, of course. We all do, from cradle to grave if […]
Nothing is more powerful than possibility. The future is a blankslate of maybes, infinitely malleable and subject to change. Life’s potential is limitless and always shifting, like a lava lamp. On acid. Every action, every word, plants a seed that may or may not completely change your life once they […]
When I was on my first ship, we’d volunteer to do all kinds of stuff in the local area, from cleaning up parks to manning events at a local elementary school. I found the same sort of mission-oriented outlook when I became a member of James Ballentine VFW Post 246. […]
Disconnecting my ego from my mouth by way of more deliberate thoughts and actions has been a huge boon across the board. From my son to my job to my other close relationships, stemming the flow of my running commentary has led to a blessed silence for all of us. […]
When I joined the US Navy in 1991, my life was coming apart at several well-worn seams. They all came back to one central lack. I never really had a dad. I had a dude who contributed half my DNA, but he never provided a single piece of actionable intelligence. […]
I have been lucky to make a lot of friends over the years. Some close. Most not. The close ones have stayed close no matter the time or distance apart. Many are veterans I served with or met since I joined VFW Post 246. Quite a few I’ve never even […]
The first woman I “tortured” in lieu of my mother was my sister Amy. It started when we were both too young to understand why I did it and continued far past the time I should have known better. She is one of my closest friends now, but as teens […]
When you spend your life lying to yourself and everyone around you, the hidden truths become an invisible barrier to forming healthy relationships. I didn’t know I was “lying” at the time, but that remains a distinction without a difference in most cases. The damage my blindness caused was always […]
Continuing the theme from yesterday’s post, my hyperactive brain won’t stop processing my recovered memories and attaching them to missed opportunities. Mostly as a way to judge whether or not there’s a real possibility that tomorrow could bring a new beginning. If there is a second chance to be had, […]
This post may seem odd to the handful of people in my life who have been saintly enough to listen to me process my pain while devising plans for my recovery and rebirth. I’ve been anything but silent as far as they are concerned, though I do hope they appreciate […]
After finding my mom at the center of the extreme emotional explosions my son’s mom faced as my wife, it came as little shock to see my dad smack in the middle of my persistent problems with authority and self-confidience. Clearly I suffered from many of the same underlying issues […]
Now that we’ve reached the end of this rough stretch of road, exploring a dark wilderness of broken dreams, hidden secrets and missed opportunities, I’m excited to find peace and equilibrium on the superhighway stretching ahead in the distance. Homeostasis achieved. It was touch and go, but a hero rose […]
For friends who are new to this party, my Facebook page must seem like the end of a Scooby Doo episode where the mask is ripped off the monster to reveal a mild-mannered writer was the real culprit all along. “I would have gotten away with it too if it […]
This sad equation came into being after my son was born but before we left Portland for Minneapolis and a speedy separation followed by a slow divorce. It was the only way I could process the end of my marriage, a tragic certainty I was powerless to stop at the […]
The most frequent response to my recent revelations is one of confusion and a fair amount shock. Happy-Go-Lucky-Daddy Jason bears zero resemblance to Barely-Controlled-Rage-Monster Jason I’m introducing everyone to. It seems an incongruent melding of Truth and Twilight Zone. Hard to tell which is which sometimes. While I haven’t been […]
Mention the acronym “PTSD” and most people picture a suicidal combat vet balancing on the thin, dangerous edge of violence and ruin. Maybe he’s already hurt himself or others. It is a crisis situation. Obvious and immediate. While this extreme and emergent scenario is a real possibility, it is just […]
I don’t want to leave the impression that H fell in love with a narcissistic sociopath sporting slick lines and an irresistible smile or that I fell in love with a simple, codependent sap who couldn’t function without me by her side. Nothing could be further from the truth. It […]
My spiritual awakening rolled-out in three phases. First my son. Then myself. Then O’s mom. Once I accepted the reality of our marriage, it wasn’t long before I found my mom at the center of our emotional turmoil. Unresolved anger and resentment were deep-rooted, starting when I was six months […]
When I was stationed at the Navy’s Combat Camera Group Pacific in San Diego, a civilian video editing instructor told me I acted like a guy who wore blue suede shoes. When I asked her what she meant, she replied, “You always have the answer. Ten steps ahead of everyone. […]
Here’s the thing about that cliche. It’s only useful if you are aware of the devil being discussed. If it’s the normal variety of personal demon, chances are his “evil” machinations are taking place totally under the radar. It’s the secrets hidden from our view that cause the most problems […]
One of the things that gives me great comfort is music. I sing karaoke. I sing in the shower. Sing in the car with my son. Tap my toes or fingers along to the beat in my headphones at work. Music was the first friend I turned to when things […]
Despite the confusion and shadows in one area of my new life, the father I am becoming has never been more clearly defined. I ignored many of the important details when I was a stay-at-home dad through O’s first 18 months of life. Too much adult fallout was extant at […]
That’s the real question isn’t it? I didn’t know this would be my destination when I started down this road, so I am totally at a loss as to what I should do next. Can’t even make an educated guess let alone devise intricate plans with back-ups to my back-ups […]
From the outside looking in, a spiritual transformation of one’s base personality (ego destruction if you will) may seem like an abrupt seismic shift. Almost hubristic in nature, ironically. I’m still not immune to the “sin” of wanting to be as good as I can be at everything I do, […]
This list will remain organic and growing. Old rules edited for clarity. New rules added for substance. Feel free to offer a few your own “being human” rules in the comments below! Audiences feel the silences as much as the soliloquies. Less is more. Shut the fuck up when you’ve […]
The story behind Jason Everett Miller’s Guide to Being HUMAN entailed costs I willingly paid, though it negatively impacted those closest to me in numerous ways both public and private. I’m starting this journey of self discovery as my heartfelt way of saying I’m sorry. I’m trying to do better. […]
Dismissing painful details started out as a defense mechanism, I suspect, but quickly became a genetic trait as ingrained as my black hair, hazel eyes and crooked smile. Much like the anger and alcohol that would rise up to defend me when those repressed details came bubbling back to the […]
At three and a half, I decided it was time I lived with my dad and set out to make it happen as soon as possible. That he lived hours away in Denver didn’t deter me in the least. That I was watched both night and day made no difference […]
One thing you need to understand about my family is the oddity of our collective tale. We are an eclectic and eccentric bunch on all branches of our many trees. Some of the yarns are too fantastic to be believed, creativity and emotion playing in a chaotic symphony of lives […]
The small apartment was in a sketchy area of Anchorage where my 25-year-old dad Gordon was already living and working at something or other to make ends barely meet. I was just a kid, so I don’t know the exact economics, but I assume based on current knowledge that my […]
Our would-be stepfather needed a new spread for the family when his house started to fall down. Literally. It was built on an unstable hillside in a subdivision of custom homes where dozens of other would-be masters of the universe also built their starter kingdoms without knowing a huge fault […]
My second escape attempt came during our second or third year in lovely Shangri-La. My stepfather became especially heavy handed as the winter months settled in. Twenty hours of darkness makes a person cranky and what better way to beat the doldrums than by beating your kids? I suspect he […]
Mom turned 29-years-old near the end of 1978 with very little fanfare and without having ever lived a life of her own. Two young children counted on her for everything while their father, recently released from prison, kept popping by to snort coke with her psychopathic husband. Spending ten, eleven […]
Fall of 1980 was a strange, misplaced spring with rain and warmish weather right up until the end of October. Before the mutant winter set in with heavy snows and ridiculous lows, bad things happened in our little corner of Anchorage. Two women were raped in the dark track of […]
I don’t remember the exact reasons, but after a single year at North Star, I went to live with my dad and his new wife, Sharon, changing schools to attend Willow Crest Elementary for fifth grade. The house is gone now, the enormous lot turned into a condo complex, but […]
I was nearing my eleventh birthday when I moved back into my mom’s house. She was hugely pregnant with our little brother Jon, who would arrive in a month and a half while I snored on a beanbag chair outside the special birthing room at the hospital. I arrived near […]
One of my best moves in showing up to a new elementary school (something I had done seven or eight times by sixth grade) was challenging the cool kids to smoke a cigarette or some other deviant act. It was a tactic that delivered numerous strategic benefits. Would-be bullies are […]
If you’ve never tried going to sleep with the sun still in the sky despite it being ten in the evening, then you haven’t been to Anchorage in the summer. I was back on the seedier side of town in a one bedroom apartment with two twin beds requiring me […]
I arrived back in Colorado to find my mom, Abby and Jon still living in a huge apartment complex near my grandma with tons of amenities. My sister had a small group of friends she had cultivated at nearby Edgewater Elementary, where I had spent an ill-fated few months getting […]
We moved from the “haunted” house on Harlan to a townhouse near Kipling just before my thirteenth birthday. I was able to finish the school year at Wheatridge Junior High since the new house was still in the same geographic area. Mom had a high-pressure job as a paralegal in a […]
I “finished” ninth grade at Bear Creek High School with a report card full of Fs and Ds that would need to be made up the following year if I wanted to move on to tenth grade. First, though, was summer 1985 and an epic three months of nonstop partying […]
My dad “lost” his condo before summer ended, so it was another round of domestic musical chairs that found my sister back with mom while I stayed with dad in an apartment he shared with an old friend from somewhere or other. The guy drove a 16-wheeler and was rarely […]
Mom followed the $12,000 rehab with a transformative five-day Outward Bound experience for me and Abby in the rugged mountains outside Leadville, Colorado. I’m not sure how much that one cost her, but it couldn’t have been cheap. Mom’s instincts were spot on and it should have worked given who […]
We hit the road well before the sun came up with all my worldly possessions tucked safely under a tarp in back. Dad put in six solid hours of driving and was able to keep a couple McDonalds cheeseburgers down before chemotherapy caught up with him not far outside of […]
Anyone familiar with the 1980s remembers crotch-rocket motorcycles and every teenage boy’s need for speed. I don’t entirely blame Tom Cruise, but it was probably his fault when Joey asked his doting mom for a Kawasaki Ninja to celebrate his sixteenth birthday. My dance with death was amped up a […]
The last day at Albert Powell High School in 1987 was also my last day of school in Yuba City for good. I decided not to go back for my senior year, effectively dropping out without much of a plan for what I would do next. Abby moved in with […]
Abby was also on break after her first few months at the San Bernardino Job Corps Center where she was being subjected to a much different experience from a program efficacy standpoint as well as a demographic one. Like me, she dove in head first and was making the best […]
November of 1988 found me mostly healed and ready to tackle life as carpenter’s apprentice on large commercial construction projects around town. I secured my first apartment at a rate of $475 per month in a small building a short, scruffy drive from downtown. I bought a used waterbed on […]
The beginning of the end in Reno started with getting laid off from the middle school job. Once again, all that remained was the fine finish work to be handled by the journey and master carpenters, so the apprentices were let go and I started looking for a new gig. […]
The only thing worth mentioning from my next three months in Orlando was the mile and a half long walk from the recruit barracks to the student barracks where I would live while I learned how to function aboard a ship. The heavy canvas straps of my dark green seabag […]
Our defining moment on Hunley began innocently enough in August of 1992 when a rare training cruise took us up the coast to Halifax, Nova Scotia for four days in port after practicing General Quarters drills all the way there. Caleb and I served on the damage control teams, so […]
Christmas turns stateside Navy installations into ghost towns as mass leave sends sailors home for long family visits. To prepare for my 3,500 mile round-trip drive, I took my burgundy 300ZX to the base automotive shop for new tires and a tune-up. My sea-bag was stored in the hatchback with […]